I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
