Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
