I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
