So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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