Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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