Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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