last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
