What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
