remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
