I can text with my tongue
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
