My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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