I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
