i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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