youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
