is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
