this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
