when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
