On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
