hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wish my penis had an off switch
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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