totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
