i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
