if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
