You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
