the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
