I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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