Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
