I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
