R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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