she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
