I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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