Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She bit a glass in half.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
