god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
