my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
