Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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