i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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