I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
