My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
