I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
