Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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