I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
