at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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