she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
