I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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