if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
