A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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