P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
