maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
