just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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