My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
