I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
