worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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