is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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