I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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